I have been following you Johnny a while now and know that the key to my success in recovery will be to believe in myself. If I can't love myself then how can I expect other people to love me? I want to have faith in myself, my friends family and husband and most of all God. Fear of the unknown sometimes prevents this. I have never felt comfortable, secure, or really loved. Now I have a taste of that and I am scared that I will lose it again. If I love everyone back the way that I want to I keep thinking they will be somehow taken from me. I don't want to dwell on this too much as it is making the tears fall so I can hardly see. Today can be a good day if I make it that way. Hugs for you xxx

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I am not sure what to write here at the moment. I feel a little shakey and weak at the moment but at least I do not feel alone any more. I feel like I have angels all around me. I lost my faith about ten years ago. I feel someone is watching over me right now. I feel blessed. I hope I am not going crazy. I hope this is real. One day I will find beauty within myself that I can see in others.

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That I am finally going to have an ED filter on My private journal that I have on Live Journal.  I have two journals on there.  A more public one that has about three hundred or so people on it and a more private one that has about thirty people on who are ones that I have met in person or I class as close friends that I trust and its there that I decided I want the ED filter where I can talk about My eating disorders when I need to.

 My partner doesnt think I should have it.  He doesnt think that I should be blogging about it or even really talking about it as it makes it more important than it is, but sometimes I need to.  He doesnt have an ED and never has but He is very supportive of Me and does His best to understand and He never, ever forces Me to eat or criticises Me and never once ever told Me to not take the diet pills that I used to take (ephedra) even when I was having daily heart palpitations and chest pains and He knows that I take colon cleansers and use laxatives daily and also keep a record of My weight, where the book is and if He ever asks Me My weight I will always answer Him truthfully but He just doesnt think it will do Me any good to blog about it.

 He doesnt know that I have made the filter and so far I havent posted anything in it and He also doesnt know that I binged last night and then took about 12 or so laxatives after as I also ate cooked food which makes Me feel I have betrayed Myself as I had made the meal for Him and didnt actually intend to eat it Myself but once it was made and I started eating it the binge monster took over and I ate the whole bowl and then, when He was asleep, sneaked downstairs and ate the rest, followed by the raw oats that I had intended to have so now I feel like not only a liar but a complete loser and I darent even step on the scale today.

 I think its time to go back to bed.

Today is Our anniversary too. 

Tags: ED filter | binge | anniversary

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Hello my friends! This is my first blog entry. I wanted to type out a little update to keep you in tune with what's going on for me.

The ABC 20/20 document aired on September 5th 2008. I was not pleased with the outcome and will type out a reaction to post on my website. Stay tuned for that. I hope to get to this within the next week. Any news or links in reference to this document will be added to my "Projects, ABC 20/20 TV" section.

I have recently been notified that all messages sent to me through the box on my contact page are NOT being emailed to me. Therefore, I have not received ANY messages through this method of contact since the remodel of my website. I'm sorry about this and have asked my graphic designers to fix this problem.

I am currently in the process of embarking on 2 new projects!

Project 1: A local photographer will be using me as his subject to photodocument my life. He often submits his work to local publications which could land me interviews (published) to speak out more about eating disorders and related topics. I am excited to see what may come from his project. Project starts 09/14/08

Project 2: A journalist at San Francisco University will be interviewing me on eating disorders. My interview will be published in their local magazine and will reach a TON of college kids. Score! The more awareness and eduacation - the better! Project date 09/15/08

I will be posting these projects under my "Projects" section as I'm able to do so.

Other than that, I am working hard in recovery and self care right now. I am very motivated to modify behaviors and change/alter thinking patterns. I am eating very well and it's paying off big time. Sleep, nutrition, hydration, sound mental health, BALANCE, etc. are all crucial for a happy and healthy life. Every step forward is never a step back. I hope to see you all moving forward as well.

Blessings and Pink TuTu Twirls,

Johnny ~ The Ballerina Prince-ss

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